Quarantine seems to produce selfishness and self-centeredness, at least it has in me at times. When you live alone and there is no one else to focus on, the magnitude of your own issues grows in proportion to the needs of others. A movie last week reminded me of how blessed I am and exposed the depth of self-awareness I have been experiencing. Based on a true story, a young ice skater is found to have a rare form of cancer. Her treatment helps but she loses a brave fight in the end.
The sadness and bravery that comes with fighting terminal illness brings me up short. Have I forgotten how to count blessings? A suggested exercise in reaching out to others slowly dwindled. If a task is not on my list, it tends to fade away. And I am negligent in keeping track of my chores and goals during this time of days fading from one to another. It has got to stop and soon.
I will start a bible study soon aimed at rediscovering my life. We have all been cut off from so much and so many during this strange season in 2020. Even when I was a stay-at-home mom with small children, I always had a vehicle and could escape to a friend’s home, meet up with another family for lunch, or even just go to the grocery store. Reopening of my church helps. A new season of weekly small group meetings reconnects me to others. None of it seems to be enough to get the focus off myself.
This blog has taken me several days to write. It normally takes me an hour or so including posting. Wrestling with the truth is always a struggle. It’s like a combination of punching my way out of a butterfly’s chrysalis and peeling another layer of an onion away. Both require effort and sometimes result in tears. I also tend to beat myself mentally when I do not understand what is going on. It is a pattern repeated when God is changing my attitudes that has been lifelong. I desperately want to fix what’s wrong but don’t realize what He actually wants me to do.
So, once again, another step in the process of dying to myself is coming to fruition. These seasons are often very frustrating. I am a ‘fix it yesterday’ person by nature and I get impatient with my own inability to see what needs changing. I now have a clearer picture.
I need a combination of healing and restoration in my life in three ways: The chronic illness that has plagued me since my 20s needs healing. The certainty that my perfect and capable heavenly Father will provide for me needs growth because others have not provided. Restoration of lost relationship tugs at my heart almost minute by minute, as quarantine continually reminds me of the loss of intimacy. The issue is that I must lay down the way I want them all redeemed and instead agree with God that the plan He has to accomplish all three is best. Another layer of self must go.
Ephesians 4:22-24 And he has taught you to let go of the lifestyle of the ancient man, the old self-life, which was corrupted by sinful and deceitful desires that spring from delusions. Now it’s time to be made new by every revelation that’s been given to you. And to be transformed as you embrace the glorious Christ-within as your new life and live in union with him! For God has re-created you all over again in his perfect righteousness, and you now belong to him in the realm of true holiness. The Passion Translation®. Copyright © 2017 by BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC. Used by permission. All rights reserved. thePassionTranslation.com
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