You found the words that were just spoken by your friend or family member to be offensive, even hurtful. Inside, you felt angry, sad, and maybe even so strong as to move you to physical action. I have learned when that happens to be still and not let the feeling overwhelm me. I know from the time I spend with God that I cannot trust my initial reaction to what others say. I definitely try to not say what immediately comes to mind as I know that it will be like throwing gasoline on a fire, both in my soul and in the relationship.
I was taught years ago that I needed to be in charge of my feelings and not let them rule my life. It was a revelation to hear that I didn’t have to let what I felt determine how I responded to others. Phrases like “you make me angry” are patently false; no one makes another person angry. We may initially feel anger because of words or behavior but we then choose to entertain that feeling and act on it with words or deeds. The scripture advises the believer on this topic:
James 1:19 Understand [this], my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense {and} to get angry. AMP
I remember as a young girl and teenager that my siblings and I frequently violated this principle. One of us would say or do something and the argument was on. Heated words and emotional distancing followed. Fortunately since we are long past that age, we’ve forgiven one another and are all friends. Our recent family reunion was a great time of love and friendship and we now know better than to let words get in the way of relationship.
My ex-husband understood that when he was feeling very angry, he should distance himself from the situation and get control before speaking. I learned this lesson in part from him and it kept our relationship from deteriorating due to argument. The marriage failed later due to differences in values and goals but not because we fought over those differences.
I now know that spouting back what I’m feeling and thinking is another example of selfishness. I also know that my initial reaction will not last. If I think about what’s being said as the verse instructs, I will usually change my perspective and my feelings follows. So what do I say when someone is offensive/hurtful? I try to say something noncommittal like “I’m not sure what I think about that” and let the subject drop. If the situation needs a response, I do it later after reflection and prayer. That lets me distance myself from my negative feelings before the situation becomes incendiary. I have learned this verse helps me achieve greater self control:
Col 3:15 And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]. AMP
Do you have relationships that need the peace of Christ to act as umpire?
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